I want

I want to see life

I want to merry-go-round the world

And taste the cultures of this human race

I want to go into space

and touch a star

The moment it is born,

then leave it scorned and formed.

 

I want to build, I want to break

I want to create, I want to accumulate.

 

I want to speak your tongue

And lick it too.

I’ll offer you the words of mine

And between our lungs,

We will share breaths of empathy

 

I want to give life

to climb this jungle gym, alongside pure innocence

delivered from my dirty flesh.

I want the picket fence

In between a leaf canopy of vines and shrubs

 

I want to start over

I want to sustain

I want to take what I don’t need, and give when don’t have anything.

 

I want the solitary adventure

To share with the self inside of me.

And both of us will unearth an essence

which I will bottle.

 

I want to be the substitute person for a confused soul

I want to be the forbidden fruit of a self-righteous saint

 

I also want to be the only one, for someone.

And I also want to have fun.

 

I want it all in circles and then push it into squares

Until nobody cares...

 

And I want it all in photo frames.

indigo girl

There’s this song I remember from when I was much younger.  It was my very first ringtone, back when cellphones just started playing tunes as ringtones.  It was called, indigo girl, by Watershed.  I could never understand why I liked this song so much.  It’s not really particularly memorable,  very basic chords, easy lyrics..   But when this song plays on the radio, it immediately draws my attention.  I can be inside the shop at the garage, buying cigarettes, I can be busy typing a difficult email at work or maybe just talking to someone in the car.. I can be in a crowded room with people yelling and screaming, doesn’t matter.  If it plays, I hear it.  It must have touched my soul for some reason, so I decided to do a bit of research to find out why:

Let’s start with the colour INDIGO:

INDIGO relates to the BROW chakra or third eye which is in the centre of the forehead.  (Amazing hey!!)   The related organs to this chakra are the eyes, lower head and sinuses and the endocrine gland is the pituitary gland.

Indigo relates to self-responsibility, that is to say, being responsible for one's own life; responsibility to oneself to follow the soul's path and needs and trusting one's own intuition. The ability to see things from a 'higher' viewpoint rather than purely for satisfaction of the ego or one's material comfort.  Intuitive messages are unique to you and are for your own personal development.

How gorgeous is that?

Some Positive and negative aspects of the colour Indigo

positive aspects of this colour	negative aspects of this colour
Highly intuitive	Separateness
Faithful	Fearful
Sense of unity	Intolerant
Fearless	Impractical
Devotion to duty	Judgmental
Articulate	Inconsiderate
Practical idealists	Depressed easily

So what is an Indigo Child?

Indigo children is a term used to describe children who are believed to possess special, unusual and sometimes supernatural traits or abilities. The term is pseudoscientific.   The idea is based on New Age concepts developed in the 1970s by Nancy Ann Tappe and further developed by Jan Tober and Lee Carroll.  The interpretations of these beliefs range from their being the next stage in human evolution, in some cases possessing paranormal abilities such as telepathy, to the belief that they are more empathetic and creative than their peers.

Kinda like Heroes, or the X-men... AWESOME!!!

Descriptions of indigo children include :

• the belief that they are empathetic, curious, strong-willed, independent, and often perceived by friends and family as being strange;
• possess a clear sense of self-definition and purpose;
• exhibit a strong innate sub-conscious spirituality from early childhood (which, however, does not necessarily imply a direct interest in spiritual or religious areas);
• a strong feeling of entitlement, or "deserving to be here."
• a high intelligence quotient, an inherent intuitive ability; and
• resistance to rigid, control-based paradigms of authority.

Interesting…

Mmmmm.... I don’t know what to make of all this yet…

Mmmmmm....

it took the death of hope to let you go...

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can’t destroy what isn’t there
Deliver me into my fate
If I’m alone I cannot hate
I don’t deserve to have you
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn’t face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care
I think I made it very clear
You couldn’t hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren’t my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won’t listen to your shame
You ran away, you’re all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago

If you still care don’t ever let me know
If you still care don’t ever let me know

Slipknot - Snuff

a story about hope

One of my best friends Joe told me this story the other day.  A story that I love, that I will forever remember.  A short and sweet little story about hope:

So this guy – let’s call him Johnny, sits at home one day, on his couch, watching tv, when the doorbell rings.  He gets up and quickly walks over to the front door to open it.  When he opens the door, he sees his friend standing in the doorway.  He let’s out a sigh of disappointment and his eyes turn downward.  “What’s wrong” asks his friend, having noticed Johnny’s obvious sad reaction to his arrival.  “I just really hoped that you were the pizza delivery guy”, Johnny replied.  “Oh ok… Well did you order pizza?”  “No”, says Johnny.  “I just hoped”

And that to me, is the meaning of hope.

Thanks Joe

Xxx

the dictionary of obscure sorrows

One of the greatest loves in my life are words and how it comes together to create pictures, stories, explanations, humour...  Here are some of my favourite obscure words, just because I'm feeling particularly sonder today..

xeno

n. the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers—a flirtatious glance, a sympathetic nod, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence—moments that are fleeting and random but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone.

heartworm

n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

astrophe

n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life, which is a frustratingly cautious game of change-up pitches, sacrifice bunts, and intentional walks.

sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

anchorage

n. the desire to hold on to time as it passes, like trying to keep your grip on a rock in the middle of a river, feeling the weight of the current against your chest while your elders float on downstream, calling over the roar of the rapids, “Just let go—it’s okay—let go.”

kairosclerosis

n. the moment you realize that you’re currently happy—consciously trying to savor the feeling—which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it’s little more than an aftertaste.

the bends

n. frustration that you’re not enjoying an experience as much as you should, even something you’ve worked for years to attain, which prompts you to plug in various thought combinations to try for anything more than static emotional blankness, as if your heart had been accidentally demagnetized by a surge of expectations.

trumspringa

n. the temptation to step off your career track and become a shepherd in the mountains, following your flock between pastures with a sheepdog and a rifle, watching storms at dusk from the doorway of a small cabin, just the kind of hypnotic diversion that allows your thoughts to make a break for it and wander back to their cubicles in the city.

ambedo

n. a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life, a mood whose only known cure is the vuvuzela.

flashover

n. the moment a conversation becomes real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony, momentarily grounding the static emotional charge you’ve built up through decades of friction with the world.

You can find more of these fun and interesting definitions here.

killing the love

I am the love killer,
I am murdering the music we thought so special,
that blazed between us, over and over.
I am murdering me, where I kneeled at your kiss.
I am pushing knives through the hands
that created two into one.
Our hands do not bleed at this,
they lie still in their dishonor.
I am taking the boats of our beds
and swamping them, letting them cough on the sea
and choke on it and go down into nothing.
I am stuffing your mouth with your
promises and watching
you vomit them out upon my face.
The Camp we directed?
I have gassed the campers.

Now I am alone with the dead,
flying off bridges,
hurling myself like a beer can into the wastebasket.
I am flying like a single red rose,
leaving a jet stream
of solitude
and yet I feel nothing,
though I fly and hurl,
my insides are empty
and my face is as blank as a wall.

Shall I call the funeral director?
He could put our two bodies into one pink casket,
those bodies from before,
and someone might send flowers,
and someone might come to mourn
and it would be in the obits,
and people would know that something died,
is no more, speaks no more, won't even
drive a car again and all of that.

When a life is over,
the one you were living for,
where do you go?

I'll work nights.
I'll dance in the city.
I'll wear red for a burning.
I'll look at the Charles very carefully,
weraing its long legs of neon.
And the cars will go by.
The cars will go by.
And there'll be no scream
from the lady in the red dress
dancing on her own Ellis Island,
who turns in circles,
dancing alone
as the cars go by.

- Anne Sexton

i believe

I believe that the key to happiness is understanding what you need in the physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual spheres of your existence and then giving to yourself the gift of balance.

I believe in a God that is the designer and artist of this world.  That every soul is an extension of this Divine Being and that connecting with Him is a basic human need.

I believe that we live in an unnatural world, and whatever you need to do to function in this world (as long as it is is no way harmful to others), is ok by me.

I believe that people try their best, most of the time.

I believe that people are inherently good, although unfortunately, often creatures of habit and prisoners of their circumstances.

I believe that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe that no one can understand the intricacies that exist in a love relationship between two people.

I believe that hope is the breath and nourishment of my soul.

I believe that friends will come and they will leave, not because they were fake, but because each person is responsible for their own journey and happiness. 

I believe you should appreciate friends, for the time that they are a part of your life.

I believe that siblings are not bonded by blood, but by the humility of growing up together.

I believe that it’s a good idea to get used to being alone, because in this life, it’s something that I will be quite often.

I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

why I lost him...

The gifted present

by Christian Engelbrecht

To everyone I ever loved:

My love for you tomorrow was vast enough
that I never loved you now
Through time my love grew in the was
Which hid the present within the present
Now I’m stuck in love that was, stealing from love that shall
Devoid from hope of love that will
I end the love that could
From then till there I never once loved you there and then
To everyone I never loved:

I love you now

why I fell in love with him..

An ode to mine hapiness

by Christian Engelbrecht

I hate that which is new
unshaped, unformed and not abused
I want someone used
someone clear, perfect with character like you

Deeply carved river beds
Timeous sculpted mountain heads
Volcano barren landscapes
Tormented coal becoming diamond shapes

Only with terrible sorrow
one could have euphoria tomorrow
'Tis only knowing hate
one can appreciate love thats brought by fate

I seek to find the eagle with the broken wings
The one who knows what joy flight brings

I want to see the beauty spot on the mole
the hangover after the cheer
the laughter behind every tear
I seek the darkness wich lightens the soul

I want to love you when you break me
vos sum fuifutrus tactiles ego vel
when I die you will be my crow
I need you to love me when you hate me

I want to love you, and you, the true you, the princess and the troll
I need you to love me, and me, all of me, the god without a soul

cause she's so fucking cool and i'm obsessed

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Choose your last words
This is the last time
Cause you and I,
we were born to die

Lana Del Rey <3

being grateful part 2

What I want for this list is to go beyond the generics of things that I am grateful for.  Yes, I have food, water, shelter, a car, at least some money.  And I am really thankful for these things because I do understand that there are plenty of people in this world who lack.  But this list is not about the basics.  What I want to mention here are things that truly warm my heart.  Things that I can medidate on…  as an appreciation of life, this life, my life.

4.            My beautiful baby sister

She was the first friend I made in this world.  There are no words for the love I have for this girl.  She’s 21 years old, beautiful, intelligent, sensitive and so very strong.  She gets me.  She is the only person who truly knows me.  Just being around her calms me, soothes me.  She is my number one person.  The only true love of my life.

5.            The little things

Death enjoyed a scoop of peanut butter and she said that it was adorable.  There are plenty little enjoyable things.  Things that I find comforting.  Warm milk before going to bed chases the nightmares away.  And those little honey mustard lunchbox chicken strips at Woolworths… so nice.  A soft serve ice cream cone on a hot Sunday afternoon.  But of course, nothing beats a glass of dry and a lovely menthol cigarette.  Except maybe hugs.  Mmmm.. I do like hugs.

6.            The physical.

The ice blast that shoots through my body when I jump into a swimmingpool.  The sun burning my right arm as I hold the steering wheel when driving home to visit my parents.  The rhythm of my heartbeat in sync with both my breath and the house beat pumping in my ears when I’m running on the treadmill.  The adrenalin rush of kissing (a really good kisser – very nb) for the first time.  I like kisses too. :)  Physical sensations bring us to life.  <3    

Hey… I’m starting to think that my life could actually be pretty wonderful.  This could really work.  J

Thank you.

being grateful part 1

So at the (not so tender anymore) age of 26, I have recently endured yet another failed relationship and had to come to the realisation that I am about as far away from finding true love as one of Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters.  I am undergoing some family-related financial troubles, which has led me to yet again seek another cheaper apartment.  I started a new position at work in March and this has been overwhelmingly challenging and to top it all off - I am currently suffering from an intense case of laryngitis, just as I was about to spend a lovely long Easter weekend at the Vaal with friends.  Suffice it to say, life is not great at this very moment. 

So I’ve decided to make a list of things that I am grateful for.  To pick me up a bit.  To make me smile a bit, you know, on the inside, with my liver or whatever..  Looking at the bright side of life and all that.  I have to believe that I am blessed.  That I am at peace.  That I am ok.  And that things will get better.  OMG this sounds so fucking corny.  But hey, the alternative of getting embarrassingly wasted either by myself at home (pathetic Bridget Jones evenings) or in public (even worse for obvious reasons) has not been working out for me lately.  No big surprises there.  Although I have to say that it kinda used to work.. back in the early 20’s, but.. mmmm.. not so much anymore.

Ok, so let’s try this.

1.       Special friends – all of them so different. J

Ok, so I’m grateful for the handful of people, who have taken the time to talk to me or write me an email to encourage me after this horrendous breakup.  Keeping in mind that I have not been very well behaved over the past three weeks.  I had the boss with the serious “don’t fuck up your life, you have so much going for you” talk, (very needed, btw), I had the easy going friend with the “who gives a shit, don’t take yourself so seriously, you’re just having fun being single again” talk, which also helped as it calmed the guilt a bit. Thanks!  I had my soulsister talk along the lines of “if anyone gives you any shit, I’ll fuck them up” J  Love you bitch.  And then my sweet friend’s conversation that went something like this: “stop messing around with people who are bad for you, rather come out with us, then you’ll at least be safe”.  All this has made me realise that there really are people in this world who truly care about me.  I am grateful for this.

2.       A safe place

The one constant and stable thing in my life?  My job.  Who would’ve known?  It’s been there for over four years already.  You think any man has been in my life that long?  Not a chance.  A day at the office for me is spent with six of the most gorgeous, successful and incredibly diverse twenty something ladies that you will ever meet.  They exude energy, enthusiasm, humility, bravery and love every day.  My colleagues are angels, keeping me grounded and keeping me focused when time after time, my life seems to spiral out of control.  I love them dearly.

3.       Music

You are everything I need you to be.  You love me, you console me, you touch me.  You wrap around me, you flush right through me.  You scream when I am too weak, you whisper when I need something sweet.   You are light-hearted when I am too intense, you find me when I’m wandering in the wilderness.  You fill the awkward spaces in between, you make everything wonderful just burst at the seams.  You nourish me.  I love you.

Wow.. this kinda did make me smile.  Even made me rhyme, a little bit anyway…  I didn’t know it could get cornier. J  I bet I can think of more things..  This list shall be continued…

burning man

Burning man is a festival in Nevada where once a year, thousands of people from all over the world get together at Black Rock desert, set up camp and create what they call Black Rock City.

What makes this festival so unique is that they function like a city, where all the citizens participate in creating art through radical self-expression and inclusion.  They don't set up big stages with big, commercial shows during the day and night.  Everyone there is expected to create some form of art and to express themselves.  What I saw from the video and from the people there, is just pure freedom without judgement, loving friendships and a sense of community.  They have this festival for a week and then leave the area completely deserted again, as if nothing happened.

This video was shot at Burning man and it is possibly the most inspirational video I've ever watched. 

It must be such an amazing experience to be there.  I hope I get to go someday.

pictures i like

I like pictures that evoke emotion inside of me.

I also like pictures about fallen angels.

Maybe that's because I think I used to love one.

my panic room

I call it my panic room. From here, I can see everything around me on small to medium sized computer screens. In fact, I can see the whole world. I can also switch the cameras to view things from different angles if I want. I can turn the volume up If I want to hear what’s going on outside, I can also mute it, when it becomes too loud. I can press some buttons if I want to talk someone on the outside. I can send messages on various different portals. I can connect if I want. And If I don’t want to, then I don’t have to. Then I can just stay in here, within the confines of my panic room and scream.

I like it here.

baby blogger

Hello world,

It's my first blogpost today.

There, I did it.