I want

I want to see life

I want to merry-go-round the world

And taste the cultures of this human race

I want to go into space

and touch a star

The moment it is born,

then leave it scorned and formed.

 

I want to build, I want to break

I want to create, I want to accumulate.

 

I want to speak your tongue

And lick it too.

I’ll offer you the words of mine

And between our lungs,

We will share breaths of empathy

 

I want to give life

to climb this jungle gym, alongside pure innocence

delivered from my dirty flesh.

I want the picket fence

In between a leaf canopy of vines and shrubs

 

I want to start over

I want to sustain

I want to take what I don’t need, and give when don’t have anything.

 

I want the solitary adventure

To share with the self inside of me.

And both of us will unearth an essence

which I will bottle.

 

I want to be the substitute person for a confused soul

I want to be the forbidden fruit of a self-righteous saint

 

I also want to be the only one, for someone.

And I also want to have fun.

 

I want it all in circles and then push it into squares

Until nobody cares...

 

And I want it all in photo frames.

indigo girl

There’s this song I remember from when I was much younger.  It was my very first ringtone, back when cellphones just started playing tunes as ringtones.  It was called, indigo girl, by Watershed.  I could never understand why I liked this song so much.  It’s not really particularly memorable,  very basic chords, easy lyrics..   But when this song plays on the radio, it immediately draws my attention.  I can be inside the shop at the garage, buying cigarettes, I can be busy typing a difficult email at work or maybe just talking to someone in the car.. I can be in a crowded room with people yelling and screaming, doesn’t matter.  If it plays, I hear it.  It must have touched my soul for some reason, so I decided to do a bit of research to find out why:

Let’s start with the colour INDIGO:

INDIGO relates to the BROW chakra or third eye which is in the centre of the forehead.  (Amazing hey!!)   The related organs to this chakra are the eyes, lower head and sinuses and the endocrine gland is the pituitary gland.

Indigo relates to self-responsibility, that is to say, being responsible for one's own life; responsibility to oneself to follow the soul's path and needs and trusting one's own intuition. The ability to see things from a 'higher' viewpoint rather than purely for satisfaction of the ego or one's material comfort.  Intuitive messages are unique to you and are for your own personal development.

How gorgeous is that?

Some Positive and negative aspects of the colour Indigo

positive aspects of this colour	negative aspects of this colour
Highly intuitive	Separateness
Faithful	Fearful
Sense of unity	Intolerant
Fearless	Impractical
Devotion to duty	Judgmental
Articulate	Inconsiderate
Practical idealists	Depressed easily

So what is an Indigo Child?

Indigo children is a term used to describe children who are believed to possess special, unusual and sometimes supernatural traits or abilities. The term is pseudoscientific.   The idea is based on New Age concepts developed in the 1970s by Nancy Ann Tappe and further developed by Jan Tober and Lee Carroll.  The interpretations of these beliefs range from their being the next stage in human evolution, in some cases possessing paranormal abilities such as telepathy, to the belief that they are more empathetic and creative than their peers.

Kinda like Heroes, or the X-men... AWESOME!!!

Descriptions of indigo children include :

• the belief that they are empathetic, curious, strong-willed, independent, and often perceived by friends and family as being strange;
• possess a clear sense of self-definition and purpose;
• exhibit a strong innate sub-conscious spirituality from early childhood (which, however, does not necessarily imply a direct interest in spiritual or religious areas);
• a strong feeling of entitlement, or "deserving to be here."
• a high intelligence quotient, an inherent intuitive ability; and
• resistance to rigid, control-based paradigms of authority.

Interesting…

Mmmmm.... I don’t know what to make of all this yet…

Mmmmmm....

it took the death of hope to let you go...

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can’t destroy what isn’t there
Deliver me into my fate
If I’m alone I cannot hate
I don’t deserve to have you
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn’t face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care
I think I made it very clear
You couldn’t hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren’t my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won’t listen to your shame
You ran away, you’re all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago

If you still care don’t ever let me know
If you still care don’t ever let me know

Slipknot - Snuff

a story about hope

One of my best friends Joe told me this story the other day.  A story that I love, that I will forever remember.  A short and sweet little story about hope:

So this guy – let’s call him Johnny, sits at home one day, on his couch, watching tv, when the doorbell rings.  He gets up and quickly walks over to the front door to open it.  When he opens the door, he sees his friend standing in the doorway.  He let’s out a sigh of disappointment and his eyes turn downward.  “What’s wrong” asks his friend, having noticed Johnny’s obvious sad reaction to his arrival.  “I just really hoped that you were the pizza delivery guy”, Johnny replied.  “Oh ok… Well did you order pizza?”  “No”, says Johnny.  “I just hoped”

And that to me, is the meaning of hope.

Thanks Joe

Xxx

the dictionary of obscure sorrows

One of the greatest loves in my life are words and how it comes together to create pictures, stories, explanations, humour...  Here are some of my favourite obscure words, just because I'm feeling particularly sonder today..

xeno

n. the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers—a flirtatious glance, a sympathetic nod, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence—moments that are fleeting and random but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone.

heartworm

n. a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

astrophe

n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life, which is a frustratingly cautious game of change-up pitches, sacrifice bunts, and intentional walks.

sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

anchorage

n. the desire to hold on to time as it passes, like trying to keep your grip on a rock in the middle of a river, feeling the weight of the current against your chest while your elders float on downstream, calling over the roar of the rapids, “Just let go—it’s okay—let go.”

kairosclerosis

n. the moment you realize that you’re currently happy—consciously trying to savor the feeling—which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it’s little more than an aftertaste.

the bends

n. frustration that you’re not enjoying an experience as much as you should, even something you’ve worked for years to attain, which prompts you to plug in various thought combinations to try for anything more than static emotional blankness, as if your heart had been accidentally demagnetized by a surge of expectations.

trumspringa

n. the temptation to step off your career track and become a shepherd in the mountains, following your flock between pastures with a sheepdog and a rifle, watching storms at dusk from the doorway of a small cabin, just the kind of hypnotic diversion that allows your thoughts to make a break for it and wander back to their cubicles in the city.

ambedo

n. a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life, a mood whose only known cure is the vuvuzela.

flashover

n. the moment a conversation becomes real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony, momentarily grounding the static emotional charge you’ve built up through decades of friction with the world.

You can find more of these fun and interesting definitions here.

killing the love

I am the love killer,
I am murdering the music we thought so special,
that blazed between us, over and over.
I am murdering me, where I kneeled at your kiss.
I am pushing knives through the hands
that created two into one.
Our hands do not bleed at this,
they lie still in their dishonor.
I am taking the boats of our beds
and swamping them, letting them cough on the sea
and choke on it and go down into nothing.
I am stuffing your mouth with your
promises and watching
you vomit them out upon my face.
The Camp we directed?
I have gassed the campers.

Now I am alone with the dead,
flying off bridges,
hurling myself like a beer can into the wastebasket.
I am flying like a single red rose,
leaving a jet stream
of solitude
and yet I feel nothing,
though I fly and hurl,
my insides are empty
and my face is as blank as a wall.

Shall I call the funeral director?
He could put our two bodies into one pink casket,
those bodies from before,
and someone might send flowers,
and someone might come to mourn
and it would be in the obits,
and people would know that something died,
is no more, speaks no more, won't even
drive a car again and all of that.

When a life is over,
the one you were living for,
where do you go?

I'll work nights.
I'll dance in the city.
I'll wear red for a burning.
I'll look at the Charles very carefully,
weraing its long legs of neon.
And the cars will go by.
The cars will go by.
And there'll be no scream
from the lady in the red dress
dancing on her own Ellis Island,
who turns in circles,
dancing alone
as the cars go by.

- Anne Sexton

i believe

I believe that the key to happiness is understanding what you need in the physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual spheres of your existence and then giving to yourself the gift of balance.

I believe in a God that is the designer and artist of this world.  That every soul is an extension of this Divine Being and that connecting with Him is a basic human need.

I believe that we live in an unnatural world, and whatever you need to do to function in this world (as long as it is is no way harmful to others), is ok by me.

I believe that people try their best, most of the time.

I believe that people are inherently good, although unfortunately, often creatures of habit and prisoners of their circumstances.

I believe that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe that no one can understand the intricacies that exist in a love relationship between two people.

I believe that hope is the breath and nourishment of my soul.

I believe that friends will come and they will leave, not because they were fake, but because each person is responsible for their own journey and happiness. 

I believe you should appreciate friends, for the time that they are a part of your life.

I believe that siblings are not bonded by blood, but by the humility of growing up together.

I believe that it’s a good idea to get used to being alone, because in this life, it’s something that I will be quite often.

I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.